I got her a Nickelback box set.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
