i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
