Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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