Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
