Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
