pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
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Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
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So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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