I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
my shit smells like andre
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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