We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
