I think I won the penis lottery.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
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People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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