apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
