Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
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It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I think a kid would responsible me up
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I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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