I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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