so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
