she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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