and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
