I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
