i just wanna soil my oats bro
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
