a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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