Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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