There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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