It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
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I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
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next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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