He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
