There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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