did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
