The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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