not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
