i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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