I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
