Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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