My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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