If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
