So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
