Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
