dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
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Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
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Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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