why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
