No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
