if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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