My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
