Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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