I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
