Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
