I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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