Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
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OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
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It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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