dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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