i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
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She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
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By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
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