This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
