you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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