I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
