my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
