I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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