Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
