I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
