the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.