just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
