U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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