Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
