i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
