I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
