Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I forget how to act sober
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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