at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
