Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
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Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
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it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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